Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
