He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
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So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
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You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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