I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
