He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
