you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
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you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
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I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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