I wish I could teleport
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
