there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
