i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
