Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
