Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
