You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
