his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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