I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I will be naked everywhere
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
