I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
