so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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