Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
