she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
