The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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