and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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