My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
