I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
