if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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