In the future we'll all be gay
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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