My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
