hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
