you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
