sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
