Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
