so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
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Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
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The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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