I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
