i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I did not marry a roomba.
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