my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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