I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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