There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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