I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
