im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
