just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
