I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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