Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
