just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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