My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
