I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
