My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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