dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
