Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
