i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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