He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
