my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
