Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
