i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
