Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
