on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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