Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i out mim tonsoeep
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