Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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