I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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