I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
