If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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