I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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