What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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